Hope.

From a little girl I grew up always thinking that I would be a mother.

I knew I wanted children and it did not occur to me that anything would stand in my way.

In my late twenties I had to face the facts that it had not happened. The fertility treatments had not worked and even though there was no official medical reason I had to think about living my life without children.

Its a deeply crushing and all consuming feeling. People talk about your heart being ripped out, its that, pretty much. 

I had spent years working in childcare homing my maternal skills, watching children develop and grow before my eyes imagining one day doing the same with my own children. 

My brain did what it could to cope, I focused on all the childrens lives I have been a part of, how special that is. How important to be involved in forming a pre school mind and how honoured I was to be a part of their lives. Perhaps I thought I have played enough of a part in bringing up other peoples children, perhaps my role in life is to be, just me.

I tried to focus on my new relationship, having fun, going out, seeing the positives in not having children. I imagined a future life with two incomes, expensive holidays, no childcare fees draining our wages, just enjoying my partner and our time spent together.

As my friends had babies I tried to be happy for them, tried to not be jealous and bitter and let the anger out.

Inside I was proper mad. I was so, very, mad. 

I would have made a good mum, I didn't understand. 

I'd sit at work and rock a child to sleep in my arms knowing I may never have this of my own. I'd sneak off to the toilets and have a little cry, those feelings are not feelings you can let out, there is nowhere good for them to go. 

So instead I'd smile and brag of lazy mornings and all night parties.

I cannot explain the moment I found I was pregnant in a way that does it any justice. 

I heard my breathing suddenly gasp, then stop. I felt my heart pound, then stop. The whole world just stopped, froze, I could see myself sat open mouthed, I had to kick myself back to earth. 

I knew from that moment that everything would be fine, this baby was my gift for waiting for so long, for holding those feelings inside, for not moaning or self pitying and for never giving up hope.