Wednesday, 15 December 2010


From a little girl I grew up always thinking that I would be a mother.

I knew I wanted children and it did not occur to me that anything would stand in my way.

In my late twenties I had to face the facts that it had not happened. The fertility treatments had not worked and even though there was no official medical reason I had to think about living my life without children.

Its a deeply crushing and all consuming feeling. People talk about your heart being ripped out, its that, pretty much. 

I had spent years working in childcare homing my maternal skills, watching children develop and grow before my eyes imagining one day doing the same with my own children. 

My brain did what it could to cope, I focused on all the childrens lives I have been a part of, how special that is. How important to be involved in forming a pre school mind and how honoured I was to be a part of their lives. Perhaps I thought I have played enough of a part in bringing up other peoples children, perhaps my role in life is to be, just me.

I tried to focus on my new relationship, having fun, going out, seeing the positives in not having children. I imagined a future life with two incomes, expensive holidays, no childcare fees draining our wages, just enjoying my partner and our time spent together.

As my friends had babies I tried to be happy for them, tried to not be jealous and bitter and let the anger out.

Inside I was proper mad. I was so, very, mad. 

I would have made a good mum, I didn't understand. 

I'd sit at work and rock a child to sleep in my arms knowing I may never have this of my own. I'd sneak off to the toilets and have a little cry, those feelings are not feelings you can let out, there is nowhere good for them to go. 

So instead I'd smile and brag of lazy mornings and all night parties.

I cannot explain the moment I found I was pregnant in a way that does it any justice. 

I heard my breathing suddenly gasp, then stop. I felt my heart pound, then stop. The whole world just stopped, froze, I could see myself sat open mouthed, I had to kick myself back to earth. 

I knew from that moment that everything would be fine, this baby was my gift for waiting for so long, for holding those feelings inside, for not moaning or self pitying and for never giving up hope.


  1. Beautiful post. And a beautiful newborn baby to go with it. Xx
    Ps. It's funny those little hats they are given to wear aren't they? Burton had an orange one!

  2. Beautiful. I know a little of what you went through.

    Those miracle babies are really just that, aren't they xx

  3. Thanks, Jenny.

    Jay was really upset they took the hat away afterwards. He wanted to keep it. Bless.

  4. Aaahhhhhh :) Me likes this :)

  5. Beautiful post, beautifully written x

  6. My boys were hard come by too. All children are a real blessing and this is a wonderful post

  7. Well written blog. What a happy ending - not everyones ends this way. I am sure you treasure him every day.

  8. Omg - such a beautifully written post and I can't begin to imagine the emotions you have been through. I am so pleased you had a wonderful happy ending.

  9. Beautiful, so beautiful. I felt your ache. I had a long wait to feel a baby in my arms, though for very different reasons, and I know that clench low in your stomach. I was lucky to have hope, I'm so glad you didn't lose yours.

    Strong lady xx

  10. After waiting so long I feel very blessed, my heart aches for people who dont get their babies in the end.

    Pst! She's a little girl. ;-)

  11. Just shedding a little happy tear.
    Such a lovely post. I am a miracle baby. My mum tried for 15 years to have me. It was when she stopped trying and was in a different and happier marriage from the 1st that I happened. You wrote this on my birthday. How appropriate!
    Have a wonderful Christmas with your gorgeous girl! Xx

  12. Boo. You made me cry into my cornflakes. I love a good old fashioned happy ending!

  13. wow how appropriate indeed!

    Have a lovely first Christmas with your gorgeous boy too! xx

  14. I remember those emotions well. My daughter was the result of ICSI. Only 5 eggs were harvested and out of those only one survived. I was beside myself and really didn't think that it would be possible for me to be pregnant after the emotional rollercoaster we had already been through. Fortunately, I was and after my daughter was born, my husband and I couldn't believe that she was hours and kept waiting for something to go wrong, someone to take her away and say there had been a mistake... After several months, we resolved ourselves to the fact that she would be an only child. I still felt very broody and jealous of friends who had just had a sibling for their first born. Imagine our shock and delight when I found out I was pregnant again. Our little boy is now 16 months. We both feel so blessed, they are both miracles.

  15. such a beautiful post, really well written

  16. What an eloquent post - I felt a lump in my throat while reading all the way through. How wonderful for you that you finally had your beautiful little girl; I love a happy ending! I'm trying for my second, and while it's not been so long, am trying hard to hang onto hope 2 miscs later. Writing about the journey is carthatic and helps, but nothing will beat that feeling of disbelief and joy at the finish line - which is really the beginning, isn't it? Well done you for being strong enough to continue to hope and believe. This was an honest post, and I'm glad to have read it right at this moment. Thanks for sharing xx

  17. Thank you for the lovely comment.

    I'm glad it has given you something today, thats all I wanted from sharing it with people. x